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I gotta say that last night and probably the whole day
I just felt really really depressed and kind of emotionally sick
I didn't know why but on all the way to karate from school
I kept swearing and cursing everything around me ....

I probably was way too tired from the sleep over
at Hungry Jack the night before... I missed the train
cause waiting for Sarach, the Swedish singer to come
out... then I took the wrong one, so I had to run all the
way back from a place I think closed to North Melbourne
it took me one hour of walking and running...

In hope of a slight chance to catch the train back
to Caulfield so I can at least walk from there to my
house, but luckily the last one was far gone about 30
mins ago. I didn't have enough cash nor the card with
me that night, what a bummer .... I had to stay at a 24 hrs
fast food shop for the whole night...

I got home about 5 am then had 2 hours sleep
heading out again to the Victoria market to catch
up with my sister, I went because I do need some
cheap vegetable, and whatsoever is over there ...

anyway, I wanted to but I didn't talk to perry
at all last night at karate, then I pretty much talked
to everyone else in the same "I am so annoyed and sick"
kind of manner, I didn't know why ...then I got more
depressed again wondering why my social skill still
sucks so much even I've tried to work on it for so
long, man I pretty much just went all the way down
and wish I could scream out "fuck you motherfucker"
loud last night, it was bad and ugly...

does everyone all has one of thoes days once in a
while or I am mentally unstable...? I felt alone last
night and couldn't really be bothered to do anything
so I just went to sleep straight away ...

I want to be brutally honest, I want show compassion
to other people, I want to be able to take someone's
aspect of view while I am speaking, I want to know
how people are doing with their life, and all the many
other things, but Why it is so hard at times
I just cant help but wonder, I might not just take
myself seriously enough, I am not working hard
enough to reach it

as I wanted to type it down before, I need to know
what my emotion is, and try to study it, why am I
depressed and how has that affected on me .....
it is important and the reason being would be
while being depressed I often close myself to
connection, lose sense of humour, practice
things efficiently, and lose interest in others
pretty much totally ...

... and I do not want that
I hate to lose a converstation just fucking
because I was down and didn't want to talk
/people might be saying it is ok if you don't
want to talk then just don't talk ... but I
am more like I want to but I am too fucked
to talk to someone ...

everyone seems to have problem with some
aspects of their life, and this is mine
I just feel if I don't move on I will be
stuck in the same place forever

the other thing is I wanted to write
down was that I was thinking last
time about people should be feeling
down or gloomy cause if you are
why don't you just go and do fun
stuffs then ...

I didn't know what i meant
but that's remotely I could remember
what I wanted to write last time

Jonna if you saw this
could we talk some other time
when you're free, I wanna know
how you're doing

take care
Ray